Putin Jokes

[alanjjohnstone]

Putin joke

Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

“What happened to you?” asked Putin.

“Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, his wife gave me a box of cigars and their 19-year-old and 21-year-old daughters made mad passionate love to me simultaneously.

“My God, what did you tell them?” asks Putin.

The driver replies, “I’m president Putin’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”
———-
Putin dies and goes to hell, but after a while, he is given a day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Crimea ours?

-Yes, it is.

-And the Donbas?

-Also ours.

-And Kyiv?

-We got that too.

Satisfied, Putin drinks, and asks:

-Thanks, how much do I owe you?

-5 euros.

a different version:

Putin dies and goes to hell and, after a while, he goes to a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

-Is Kyiv ours?

-Nope.

-And Crimea?

– Nope.

– Donbas?

– Sorry, no.

Disappointed, Putin drinks, and asks:

-Thanks, how much do I owe you?

-50000 Rubles.
——————

Putin visits primary school in Russia. School organize gala on which children ask him questions. Little Katya rises her hand. “Go ahead!” says Putin pointing at Katya. “Mr President. I have one question. Why did you invaded Ukraine?”. “That’s a very good question…” says Putin, but as he open his mouth to continue there is a school bell announcing break. “Oh well, we continue after the break”. After break everybody comes back, as everybody get seated little Nadia rises her hand. “Go ahead!” says Putin pointing at Nadia. “Mr President. I have three questions. Why did you invaded Ukraine? Why school bell rang 20 minutes before the time? And where is Katya?”.
————–
Putin goes into a coma and wakes up a few month later, he asks the doctor if the war is won, the doctor says yes! And we got everything, he says; great! I’m going to call my staff, phone rings, someone answers; “office of the president of United Ukraine, how may I help you?”
—————
Putin is curious about his future and goes to see a fortune teller. She looks in her crystal dome and says:”I see you in a big limousine and there are thousands of people who are cheering .”

“How nice” says Putin (relieved)” Do i wave back at them?”

“Uh no, the coffin is closed…”
—————-
same fortune teller

Putin is told that he will die on a Ukrainian national holiday.

“Which holiday?” he wants to know.

“We don’t know, but whatever day it is, it will be a holiday!”
————–
A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:

Driver: What’s going on?

Policeman: A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He’s demanding 10 mill rubles, or he’ll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we’re asking drivers for donations.

Driver: Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average.

Policeman: About a gallon.
————

Putin died and went to hell. The devil took him on a tour and showed some men being roasted by torches, others being beaten with whips and a third group standing around drinking coffee standing in manure up to their knees. “Well”, asked Satan, “you have your choice of the three punishments”. “I’ll take the coffee” said Vlad. So there he was standing with his cup of coffee, looking around and smiling when Satan came back and said, “break is over boys, back on your heads”.

————
Putin walks into a bar in disguise and asks the barman “What do you think of President Putin?” The barman turns pale, whispers “not here” and beckons him into an empty room at the back. He says “Don’t let on it was me who told you this, otherwise I’m dead, but I actually like him”.
———–

Putin asks his generals to tell him , and the general answers back . So Putin raises his question again, only to clarify , and another general answers him: .

——–

Putin and Trump are both in hell reading the newspaper. Putin starts laughing, and points at a headline “First female black Muslim president elected in US”. Trump grinds his teeth. After a while, he starts laughing. He shows Putin an article on page 6: “Again, border conflicts between EU and China”

——–
Putin and Zelensky go on a date:

P: Why am I here?

Z: I want to talk about Mariupol.

P: Fat chance. I’m not going to marry you and it’s Putin, NOT Pole.

——–

That’s all folks

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