a collection of jokes

[alanjjohnstone]

1. A reformist saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the reformist said.

“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”

“Bring them along,” the reformist replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.”

The second man said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”

“Bring them all, as well,” the reformist answered.

One of the poor fellows turned to the reformist and said, “Sir, you are too kind.Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The reformist replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!”

 

2. How are an apple  and capitalist alike? They both look good hanging from a tree.

 

3. What do you  call 25 capitalists buried up to their chins in cement?  Not enough cement.

 

4. What’s the difference between a banker, an industrialist and a mosquito? One is an insect, the other two are blood-sucking parasites.

 

5.  While walking down the street one day a politician is  hit  by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met  by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to Heaven,” says St.Peter.

“Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a  high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do  with you.” 

“No problem, just let me in,” says the politician.

“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is  have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can  choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says the politician.

“I’m sorry but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts him  to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open  and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the  distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and  other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy  and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about  the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also  present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good  time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time  to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where  St. Peter is waiting for him.

“Now it’s time to visit Heaven.” So 24 hours pass with the politician  joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing  the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes  it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose  your eternity.”

The politician reflects for a minute, then answers: “Well, I would  never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I  would be better off in Hell.”

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,  down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle  of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends,  dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The  Devil comes over to him and grins menacingly.

“I don’t understand,” stammers the politician. “Yesterday I was here  and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar  and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of  garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning.  Today you voted for us!”

 

6. A surgeon, a mathematician and a capitalist were arguing about which of them was
practicing the oldest profession. The surgeon said “God created Eve from Adam’s rib. Obviously, God is a surgeon, so medicine is the oldest profession.” The mathematician protested, “Before God created Eve from Adam’s rib, He created an orderly universe from chaos. That clearly shows that God was an mathematician  before He was a surgeon. Mathematics , then, has to be the oldest profession.” The capitalist sat for a moment wryly smiling, looking at the surgeon and the mathematicin. “That may be true,” the capitalist said shrugging his shoulders, “but who created the chaos?”

 

7. A capitalist was hiring big men to be loggers and chop down big trees in a forest. A small man applied and the capitalist asked him what experience he had in logging. The small man said “I worked in the Sahara Forest.”
The capitalist said “You mean the Sahara Desert?”
The small man said “Yeah, sure is now!”

 

8. There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.

 

9. Q: How many anarcho-capitalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
     A: None. The invisible hand of the market will take care of it.

 

10. What do you call a politician with half a brain? Gifted.

 

11. Q: How does a politician sleep?
       A: First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
      Q: What do politicians do after they die?
       A: They lie still.

 

12. Royal Mail  just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of politicians on them, and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

 

13. Q: What do you call a politician with an IQ of just only 50?
       A: Prime Minister

 

14. A stingy capitalist who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, “You can’t take it with you.” After much thought and consideration, the old capitalist finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan—when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased pcapitalist’s wife was up in the attic cleaning and found the two pillowcases stuffed with cash. “Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

 

15. Q: What’s the difference between a dead cat on the road and a dead capitalist on the road

       A: There are skid marks in front of the cat.

 

16. If two capitalists were both drowning, and you could only save one  of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?

 

17. A politician was seated next to Little Rex on the plane when the politician turned to the boy and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” Little Rex said to the politician, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the politician. “How about the crisis?”

“OK,” said Little Rex. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets,  while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

“Jeez,” said the politician. “I have no idea.”

“Well!,” said Little Rex, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss the crisis when you don’t know shit?”

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