Proper Gander: Christianity’s Inanities

Greetings, beloved! As we struggle through the End Times, let God TV be your spiritual guide. Broadcasting worldwide from Jerusalem, and available on Freeview and online, God TV brings you the most hyper-enthusiastic speakers and evangelists, filmed at happy-clappy conferences in Britain, Australia and America. Each show is set to an uplifting soundtrack of saccharine God rock and hypnotic muzak.

First, we can go over to the Audacious Conference, where we’ve been listening to those touched by the Lord. Sarah has been telling us how she was saving up for a family holiday when God told her to empty her bank account and give all her money to the church. Every year since then, she’s been blessed with a free holiday. There’s no need to worry about throwing away your savings, as God always provides.

And here’s God TV’s well-provided-for founder Rory Alec, starting his sermon by quoting from the book of Proverbs that money is the answer to everything. He wants there to be a ‘greater portion of anointing’, paid for by a greater portion of your incomes. Yes, beloved. He must be right because his disciples are praying and swaying along in the background.

The next inspirational speaker is Jane, at the Influencers Conference. She wants us to accept that we’re all unwell by inviting us to stare at those around us: ‘Look at the other person on the other side of you. If you look closely, they’re shrivelled up’. God can give us the strength to take ownership of our shrivelled-upness and forgive.

Now, we can join Dr Jonathan Sarfati giving a lecture entitled ‘Are Miracles Scientific?’ He shows us how he earned his doctorate by telling us that miracles must exist because otherwise the notion of a ‘hoax miracle’ wouldn’t make sense. Hear him hilariously call the Enlightenment ‘the Endarkenment’. And listen open-mouthed as he teaches us that during the Great Flood ‘the ground was cursed’, and that God took six days to create the universe because he wanted to give us a handy length for our working week.

Bless you, beloved. Just remember to tune in again, and send in your money.